Swan Gazing June 2, 2007

We are very fortunate to live right by the water. It steps us away from the bustle of the city and gives us no excuse to pass up a breezy evening stroll.

As it was, it seems we weren’t the only family down by the water. This time of year is just brimming with new life.
There is an abundance of nature, from pussy willows, robins eggs and signets.

All too often I get absorbed in elbows on the table, cleaning up messes and getting to school on time. Not only do we have this resource but using it as a reminder that just a trip to the park or a walk around the block, taking the time to walk slowly and look down is really fun for them… and me.

This parenting thing doesn’t have to be all work. I need to remember that.

Trickles of Wisdom 001 March 29, 2007

Farting:

“It’s part of our nature. It’s like burping from your your bum.”

MZ 290307

San Frantastic January 22, 2007

Who could have imagined a time without kids? Away from them that is. After a much needed trip we’re on our way back. If I had eaten better, it would have resembled more of a spa vacation with all the activities we took part in. Normally my greatest exercise includes lifting and chasing children, so our 35 Km cycle up, over and through into Sausalito was a motivating change.
Only being gone for a few days I have to guiltily admit I wasn’t quite ready to get back to real life. The mere utterance of life with children will get me welly, so I can’t be that heartless or abandoning.

The harsh truth of a 5 hour flight back to reality is a bit shocking, not to be overshadowed by the fact that J is flying back out to New York shortly after we land. Hopefully time will allow a brief kiss for the kids to save my explanation to why I didn’t bring daddy home as promised, but only time and luck will tell.

It was a good trip. A great trip! On J’s MLF Card rating system I would have to declare a 6!
The biggest eye opener was that, for sanity sake, it has to be done more often.

Hey, it’s the same shot from the Full House opening credits.

Parenting 101 January 10, 2006

Admitted, I thought that I’d lost my mind again, headed for the tearful pool of depression, (see you in 2007) but in my last few hours of reflection upon Mad’s return to school I’ve realized I’m more in need of a hug, a nap and some parenting reform.

Yesterday brought the 2 hour return of “Special School” and with it awoke the beginning of sanity. When Mad came home we played together and I tried not to freak about the little things. I think that we had an all around pretty good day. We had an outing to the park and she was angelic while we ran errands. She even ate dinner like a champ, gobbling up broccoli and cauliflower (albeit au gratin) BEFORE all the pasta on her plate. I did get frustrated during her 2nd helping when the food began to splat on to the floor as she went goofy. J protective as always, whisked her away for a bath, as I pouted about my outburst. He gave me a kiss and told me that I was too hard on myself. I started to cry.

Mad tried everything to stay awake with J, but as usual once her security blanket *me* arrived as back up, she cuddled in and surrendered to her exhaustion. I realized something that I think I’ve known since she was first born but I’d never put the two together: Mad and I are sooo much alike it’s scary. We’re drawn to eachother, we feed off of eachother, we need eachother. Now knowing this I hit the internets because what I also need is some parenting upheaval. I need some tactic in my back pocket. I need to learn what kind of mother I really want to be.

For many things, I am what I am. I am too hard on myself. I am a bit of a crazed idealist. I LOVE my kids, “without shortage”. I am emotional and I’m strict with behaviour and my high expectations of people – specifically Mad.

So I found the books The Indigo Children and Raising Your Spirited Child.

What can I say? I couldn’t find “Don’t Be An Overbearing Bitch-Mom”, but this is a start.
Maybe I could still write that one, the title is still available. All kidding aside, I’m still hoping not to craze the smile from Baz’s face so I’ll take any suggestions.

Resolution # … (I have no idea) CHANGE.

Kookoo January 8, 2006

So, we swore off all candy post Xmas and I’d resolved to be more positive along with patient but after she tried to squish Baz’s head into an oval yesterday, I screamed, she cried and declared that one must “kill mommy”.

I don’t know if it’s rivalry, post Xmas chaos, baby milestone envy or what but I figured that if I could handle a summer with her adjusting to a newborn this 2 week break would be a snap.
As I laid in bed last night (this morning), suffering from this bout of insomnia that I just don’t like, I thought… too much. I felt bad about yelling. I felt insensitive, immature and naturally that I’m fucking her up for life. (Thanks a bunch Dr. Freud.)
I started to fear going crazy again, and that kept me up for at least another 1/2 hour. I feel as if I’m running a constant battle of lunacy. It’s tough once you’ve been there before to make sure you don’t return. I have my own selfish reasons and I’m sure that J doesn’t want to go through it again but the big one is Mad. Sure, she was around for the first bout but this time she might just remember it. That should be reason enough to keep it together and I think it is, that’s why it’s so stressful when I can’t.

As I awoke not overly refreshed this morning but promised that today was a new day, a good day but by noon her suitcase was packed for a change of scenery at Grandma and Grandpa’s for some sleepover fun.

Mad seemed eager to go with them happily waving I could see her mouthing goodbye to Baz. After she left I was sad but relieved, hoping that a visit away allows us the breathing space necessary to reflect, obviously me a bit more than Mad.

In the evening we snuck away to a party at a friends house, the same friend who incidentally told me I try to hard to be the perfect mother and beat myself way too hard when I don’t even come close – but doesn’t everyone? The house was filled with kids, most of which had younger siblings hovering around the 1 year mark. ALL the parents seemed tired, anxious for a glass of merriment and a bit overwhelmed. It did occur to me that parenting two is twice as tough. It can be twice as rewarding but man! I thought I had most of my issues and parenting dilemmas worked out as Mad cruised through two. Ha. I was right to fear the dynamic changes from family growth except I was looking at it in the wrong way. It wasn’t about the entry of a new member it was how Mad and I would evolve with each other. I have no idea where to go with this revelation but I am relieved to know that I may not be as depressed as I thought I was becoming. Phew. It’s just mother daughter madness, Holiday stress letdown and a lack of sunshine.

So here’s another resolution (or two):
I’m going to go for a walk
& hug my daughter….
much, much more.

Stumbling towards the fininsh line December 22, 2005

I thought I had it all together this year. I started planning in November and shopped, wrapped, hid and scheduled for the holidays. I think that I’m done… Other than not knowing what to serve for our vegan Xmas dinner, (H E L P) the past few days have been tearful and ulcer inducing.

I’m tired, freaking out. stressing. A big thing is Mad’s school and her “Stay Late Night”. She’s lining up for her third night terror this week. Besides, I’m notorious for not helping out at the Montessori and I stress every time I’m there. Everyone knows that I produced, delivered and am now caring for Baz from the past year to now but where it involves the school I feel stretched the most.

Perhaps it’s just the time of year. I’m losing focus trying to get every detail covered and I’m sensitive towards everything. Yesterday I called to get an appointment for a much overdue oil change on the car. I asked for any availibility on Saturday and I was laughed at. I was made to feel like such an Ebenezer. “Hahahahaha…Um we’re not open, it’s Christmas Eve.” When I said I didn’t realize that Xmas Eve was a holiday all hell broke lose. Anyways, I made me reach my breaking point and I couldn’t help but start to cry. I cried that I couldn’t get my car in, I cried because I miss my dog, I cried because I feel like I’m competing with my mother and Santa in the number of gifts for Mad, I cried because any decision I make seems to be wrong and everyone’s pissed with our plans, I cried because I’m tired, I cried because I’m not very effective in teaching Mad the true meaning of giving and getting off our asses to the Food Bank, Toy Mountain or the Humane Society to give donations.

How do I just enjoy? I have reached the point that what ever I haven’t gotten yet isn’t happening anymore (except dinner, I guess.) I used to love Xmas and almost as soon as I had kids I began to dread it. Isn’t it supposed to work the other way around? Where is the true meaning of the holidays and where the hell did I lose it?? Did I just realise how much work goes into everyone else’s good time? Or did the light inside just die? I’m about to get the 3 ghost visit, good thing I’m now an insomniac.
BAH.

Ahhhh, Better. November 22, 2005

After a crazy week of solo parenting, J is on vacation. We’re not going anywhere, but we’ve both had a nap, been to Starbucks and are ready to well, do nothing.

We’re going to work on cleaning things up around here, tag team parenting, liking each other again, getting ready for the holidays and smiling more.

Tomorrows agenda? Take Mad to school to free up our day, sleep and maybe, just maybe I’ll endulge and get my sasquatch legs waxed. Ooooooh.

Nature Anthem November 3, 2005

Last night being my pottery night, J was left alone with 2 kids at bedtime.
J being his creative self fought of chaos and tears with song.

The tune of choice for the evening was Grandaddy’s Nature Anthem.

I want to walk up the side of the mountain,
I want to walk down the other side of the mountain.
I want to swim in in the river and lie in the sun,
I want to try to be nice to everyone.

Repeat until you go crazy or you have sleeping children. (40 minutes)

Now, if this story wasn’t good enough upon my clay return, a very proud 3 year old announced on her way home from school today that she taught ALL of her friends a new song:

I want to walk up the side of the mountain,
I want to walk down the other side of the mountain.
I want to swim in in the river and lie in the sun,
I want to try to be nice to everyone.

Have a listen. I’ll warn you though, it’s addictive.

Anyone, Help….? October 31, 2005

We are down to mere hours before sunset and the Madster is still jumping around on what she wants to be for Halloween.
We’ve bought two different costumes but now she’s jumping back to last year… and the year before and a few new things that she’s seen since.

If you get to this before the sun goes down let me know what you think:

1. Fairy (Tinkerbell — sans bell)
2. A good witch
3. Bus driver
4. Winnie the Pooh (last years – pants are a bit floody)
5. Rabbit (year before – just about as floody)
6. Knight

…and a doctor for next halloween.

Help!!! How do I mix all of those together OR actually help her be a bit decisive and settle on something?

When Skies are Grey October 27, 2005

When Mad was a baby I thought long and hard about what it was I ultimately wanted to give her.

I thought about her being an astronaut, well educated, playing guitar and whistling with her fingers. The thing that stuck with me was the one thing I felt most important of all and the thing that I felt I had to develop as I grew older and that’s being self secure. I never want her to have to second guess herself or need someone elses approval on a creation. I want her to hold her head up high and own her world  and be proud of it.

All this Mommy Dearest talk got me thinking again, mostly about the way I talk and act. I am the role model and the teacher. It makes me weep to think of the potential damage. I tell her what to do and how not to do things.

Today we were making dinner. (Thursday is pizza night.) Mad decided, after I told her not to man handle the dough so much, that she would dig her hand into the flour container to get a nice big pile. Wishing away the Mommy Dearest I turned my eye and only asked what she needed so much for, she said that she was making a sand castle. Once the pile began discovering the floor “Mommy D” started coming out…. and then she sneezed on every ingredient on the counter.

Mad was then excused from pizza making this week.

She wasn’t too happy and I felt like a heel. Is this going to help in my goal to self security in the girl of the 21st century? I’m thinking not so much. I HAVE to start looking at the bigger picture again.

At bed time we were lying in bed together and I started to think how I would have reacted if it had been Baz sneezing or whatever for that matter. I would have thought it was cute, kissed and gazuntited him and life would have continued. Why should it be so different with Mad? It was making me sick how much I was going to miss her while I was away, so in that case I’m relieved I’m no longer going. I started to cry, hoping that she wouldn’t notice. I said that I hoped she knew how much I loved her.

She said yes, even when skies are grey.